It's been a while...

Hi all!  It's been a while.  I guess I just haven't had much to post about.  I am still very much a virgin.  Though I had an interesting experience a few weeks ago.  I was very drunk and ended up going home with an old casual hook-up.  He knows I'm a virgin and I always thought it turned him on.  But when we got down to it, he was the one who freaked.  I was totally ready to go!  Crazy.

Of course, I being drunk and dramatic, I went off the deep end.  That was when he told me that he didn't lose his virginity until he was 23 years old and that I am "totally normal."  Of course, I started sobbing.  He told me that he waited.  He was in a relationship and he waited two months into it to do it.  And it was perfect.  And he says to me "you're my friend and I love you and I want you to have that."

It just was so wild to hear that from a boy who had been using me (and I him) for a few months.  It turns out that this guy was the only friend I have who really knows what it's like.  It's at times like this that I wonder if there really is a God or fate or something looking out for me.  I heard the thing I needed to hear most from the absolute perfect person.  And while I might have a serious case of blue balls from this guy, in the spirit of Thanksgiving...I can't help but be so grateful for him.

Post Secret

Sex Dream #2

That's right folks.  Last night I had my second sex dream about the same man this week.  This time we were playing some kind of drunken party game which involved making out with the person next to you.  Of course, I was paired up with this guy.  We were making out much longer than any of the other pairs.  Actually, I remember hearing someone else playing the game saying something about it.  But neither of us cared.

Eventually, we somehow ended up in a bedroom.  He was telling me that he had three prospective girlfriends, but that my kissing had been so awesome that it confused him.  It didn't take long before we were hooking up.  I'll spare you from the details.  All of the sudden in the middle of it, he stops and starts laughing at me.  He says, "Do you even know how to do this?"  He starts railing me on my sexual prowess, telling me how awful I am at it and making it clear that from this point onwards I stand no chance with him.

Now in real life, this guy was very aware of the fact I am still a virgin.  In fact, he was really turned on by it.  And he gave me plenty of positive reinforcement.  That was part of why the hook up was so fun for me and why I seriously considered losing it to him.  But in this dream, he made me feel awful.  I remember screaming at him, "there's a person inside this body!"

It seems as if every dream I have about this guy has some element of shame and embarrassment.  I don't regret hooking up with this guy in real life at all.  But I think it uncovered a lot of anxiety about my abilities and the act itself.  That and my confusion over whether I should wait or just grab the closest and easiest guy and go for it.  Maybe my brain is just spitting it back at me, and the only way it knows how to do it is to use my most recent affair.  The dangerous part of this is that no matter how awful I feel in the dream, I still wake up and think about calling him for a booty call.  Yikes!

The most effective form of birth control...

Ask anybody who works full-time with kids what the most effective form of birth control is and I can guarantee you they will all answer: working full-time with kids.

I guess I'll stray from the anonymous blogging for a minute and tell you a little something about myself.  I teach theater, music, and dance to kids ages 0-12.  Currently, I'm in the middle of a two week musical theater and art camp with 4 to 12 years olds.  Did I mention there's 53 of them?  Yep!  That's right.  Every day from 8:45-4:00 I attempt to teach theater to fifty-three hyper kids.

Today was the worst.  I started off the day great with a mom telling me that she was planning on pulling her four kids out of camp because there's not enough supervision and kids are bullying each other.  "This has never happened any other session," she says, implying that I am a sub-par teacher, inferior to the others who have taught at the camp.  Then the camp director tells me that with 5 counselors, 53 kids should be totally manageable.  I guess she has never seen a real drama class.  The ideal drama class does not have more than 12 people in it.  It's such a high energy art that if you have more kids than you can handle, it quickly becomes a chaotic mess.  Yikes!

So in this sense, I am glad I'm still a virgin.  I never have to worry about ending up with a kid that I'm not ready for.  53 kids has quickly become my worst nightmare, but at least I leave them (and their parents) at 4:00.  I need a stiff drink.

Sweet dreams are made of these...

Sometimes my unconscious plays cruel jokes on me...   I'm talking about sex dreams here.  They're never awesome...unless you're doing it with Ryan Gosling.  But I find that typically I end up doing it with awkward people who I will have to face tomorrow, old flames, or other girls.  Yikes!

In my dreams last night, I slept with an ex-friend-with-benefits.  He gave me a lap dance (?).  I remember afterwards being desperate for his affection.  I tried to hold his hand and he would pry it away.  I also remember an overwhelming sense of confusion about whether I should do it or not.

So I was putzing around and found this interesting article on Psychology Today (which is one of my favorite sites to waste time on).  Why Do We Dream?  The article gives 5 theories.  I shall attempt to interpret my sex dream through these 5 theories.

Theory #1:  We dream to practice responses to life threatening situations

Just in case this guy ever approaches me for a booty call in the future, my dream has helped me to understand that giving in will only lead to anxiety and depression.  Plus the lap dance wasn't even that great.

Theory #2:  Dreams Create Wisdom


My brain is reminding me of what I went through with this guy and trying to teach me something deep about what I want and the art of good lap dances.

Theory #3:  Dreaming is Like Defragmenting Your Hard Drive


My subconscious is telling me to forget about the boy.

Theory #4: Dreams Are Like Psychotherapy


I'm subconsciously trying to sort through my feelings of regret, anxiety, guilt, and desperate need for affection from this guy.

Theory #5: The Absence of Theory


My neurons are going nuts and somehow that resulted in a lap dance from my ex-"situation."  

Hmmmm...  Really, any of those make sense.  Take your pick!

Swing Dancing (aka the best way to meet gorgeous men)

If you're anywhere near Baltimore, you have to check this place out.  It's called Charm City Swing (http://www.charmcityswing.com/).  It's a giant warehouse tucked in the corner of Union Avenue.  It's actually kind of impossible to find, but once you figure it out you realize it was worth driving around the same block for half an hour.  The warehouse is a little seedy and has this total underground, speakeasy feel to itself which makes the whole experience kind of sexy.  Every Monday and Friday night from 9 to midnight it gets packed with social swing dancers.  There is a $5 beginner lesson before the dance for those who have never swing danced before.

Let me tell you, this place was a blast.  It was exactly what I needed.  I went by myself, but instantly felt a part of the group.  The dancing is social and there is no pressure whatsoever.  It gave me way less anxiety than going out to a bar.  I didn't feel like anyone was trying to pick me up or anything.  And yet, the whole thing was totally flirty.  I felt like I may have gotten some of my game back!  ;-)

There are some seriously incredible dancers that come to these things too.  Even if you're not dancing for a little while, it's still a total blast to watch the seasoned pros go at it.  There was this one guy...  The way he moved his body had me speechless.  I was a little too much of an awkward beginner to be able to stand a chance dancing with him.  So....  new goal:  Get good enough at swing dancing to knock this guy's socks off!

How to be alone.

I wanted to share this.  A close friend of mine posted in on facebook.  I won't taint it with my thoughts, and feelings, and opinions.  But it provided me with a tremendous sense of comfort.

In The Next Room (or the vibrator play)

I saw this beautiful play by Sarah Ruhl last year at the Woolly Mammoth Theatre Company in DC.  Side note: if you love live theater Woolly Mammoth is the place to go.  They are always putting on these wonderfully funny, tragic, poignant, raw, and electric plays that make your brain buzz for days afterwards.

I know it was a while ago that I saw this gem, but I just had to write about it.  It had me crying for hours afterwards.  Plus, the whole concept around it is fascinating.  It follows a few Victorian families and their relationship with this new-found contraption called the vibrator.

Here's the thing that's so wild about the vibrator in the Victorian Age: it wasn't used for sexual pleasure.  It was used to cure this illness called "hysteria."  300 BC, Hippocrates defines hysteria, from the Greek word hystera for uterus, as suffocation of the womb.  Second century, Greek philosopher Galen asserts that hysteria can be cured by coaxing the uterus back into the normal pelvic position and expelling fluids (aka the orgasm).  In a world dominated by men, no connection between the "symptoms" of this hysteria and the ideas of sexual pleasure, sexual desire, and sexual dissatisfaction was ever made.  There's no way a man could be an unsatisfactory lover!  It must be the woman sick from all those fluids building up in her uterus.  It wasn't until the 70s that the vibrator became a sexual object.

The play is just fabulous.  It explores this idea of sex and human connection.  In one particularly poignant scene, the wife of the doctor who has been treating his patients with the new vibrator confronts her husband about their passionless marriage.  She says something along the lines of "how much of you married me because you wanted to make me feel better?  And how much because you loved me?"  I guess what I took away from this is that I don't want to just feel better.  I'm sure going out and losing it to some guy at a bar would in many ways make me feel better.  But don't I want my first time to come from a place of pure, electric, and direct human connection?  I live in a world where I don't have to repress my sexuality.  I know that I want to do it with a man who loves me and has my needs and desires in mind.  And I just know it's going to be awesome...

Friends With Benefits

Saw this adorable movie yesterday.  It's funny how Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman both made movies about casual sex within a year of Black Swan.  I have to say, Mila Kunis' is way better.  This movie was shockingly hilarious.  I went with the expectation that it would just be kind of cute and corny like No Strings Attached, but honestly it had me stitches.  

Here's the thing I've been thinking about, as someone who has tried the whole Friends With Benefits thing.  Obviously it never works.  But why doesn't it work?  Is it really because feelings get in the way?  Or is it more because you start to realize that using someone's body as a scratching post isn't really the friend-liest thing to do?

The movie hits on this.  It hits on the whole feelings thing to.  But Mila Kunis' character starts questioning her friendship with Justin Timberlake's character not because of her feelings for him, but because she overhears him being a complete douchebag.  She loses her trust for him.  He disrespects her.  They still end up together (fuck romantic comedies) but the point is that true friendships are based on mutual trust and respect.

The thing I love is that Mila and Justin have this fabulous conversation about how sex is really just a physical act, like playing tennis.  People who play tennis don't need to cuddle afterwards or spend the rest of their lives together.  They just shake, say good game, and move on.  It makes so much sense.  And yet, I also know as a woman I am biologically programmed to seek security.  From a purely biological standpoint, I want this dude to stick around and father my child I guess.  And when I find out that he's not that into that, I lose my sense of security, lose my sense of trust, and WHAMM-O!  Bye bye friendship!

So there ya go!  There is my highly scientific and highly researched theory on why friends with benefits is never ever going to work.  

P.S. I would love to hear from you if you've actually made a relationship like this work.  Or if you managed to stay friends.  Or if you ended up together.  So if you have a story, please email me at extravirginoliveoyl@gmail.com

Popping the Blog Cherry! See what I did there?

Well, my friends.  It's time to pop the proverbial blog cherry.  You may call me Olive Oyl.  Why?  Because I am an EXTRA VIRGIN!  Cue rimshot here.  No but seriously folks, I am 23 years old and have never had intercourse.  I have experienced a handful of other miscellaneous sex acts here and there but still consider myself very much a virgin.

I grew up in a strict Presbyterian household.  I was told that God had a plan for my life and had already hand-picked my future spouse.  Naturally, pre-marital sex would be cheating on said spouse.  Obviously, I don't feel that way anymore but this viewpoint dominated my psyche until I turned 18 and met my first boyfriend.  Unfortunately, at that point I still had so much anxiety regarding sex that I was unable to "do the deed" and ended up leaving the poor guy.  Ever since then, I have just had a hard time coming to terms with how I feel about sex and my virginity.  I am not bad looking, overweight, or crazy.  I have no history of abuse or any psychological problems.  I'm quite a catch actually!  This is just the hand I've been dealt.

At the ripe age of 23, I finally feel ready to take the plunge if ya know what I mean.  So I'm going to do something totally crazy.  I am going to come to grips with my sexuality on the internet and allow complete strangers to read it.  At the very least, maybe I'll help some other lonely and "too old" virgin realize that she's not alone.